Love Is Like Cars

Love is like cars.  I’m not a big car person but let’s pretend I am.  In fact, let’s pretend we all are.

Your first car is awesome. At least you think so. Why is it so special? It’s the first time you get to drive, your first taste of a new kind of independence. You are so fucking excited to be driving for the first time, you could have Fred Flinstone’s car and actually be running barefoot on the pavement beneath your seat, but it’s your first car and and it’s your experience. You will never be able to re-experience your first and that in itself makes it special. This is a strong love experience. Many of you will mistake this love for your dream car, especially if you have this hoopty for a while.  In the long run, this car usually costs much more than it's worth.  But you're inexperienced, so just try to learn as much as you can.  You may not want to believe this but you will survive.  When it does break down, try not to blame them or yourself for the rest of your life.

Then there’s that Ferrari.  Let’s pretend this is your dream car.  It’s sophisticated, fast, dangerous and expensive. But my oh my, do you feel alive! It eats gas, the insurance is expensive, and you’re likely to get into an accident. And when you do crash, you swear it off and convince yourself of something silly like you always only wanted a reliable car. You declare ridiculous things like even if you had the money you wouldn’t keep it, or you wouldn’t stay in NY, etc. Baby if you had the money, why wouldn’t you exactly? For those of you that believe they have truly succeeded on letting him/her go, you’re either better than me or you’re still driving your hoopty or even better, found a reliable one.

And at last there’s the reliable car. It’s a compact sedan…probably Honda, Toyota, or Hyundai. You know consumer reports rated this well, it does good on gas & insurance, and your friends & family all pat you on the back for a good choice. It gets you from point A to B, it has a decent resale value, it’s a smart choice. Almost everyone else has the same one, and don’t forget now…you made a great choice. And…you secretly hate it. I mean you love them, but do you really like them? You make a great team, but where is the passion? You have sex with them, but it’s not the freaky things you used to want to do. It’s not organic. I’m not hating on compact sedans…because everyone can be and have a Ferrari…but not to just anyone.

If you were the only car you would have for the rest of your life, could you be content?  Until you are grateful for what you got all by yourself, no one will be able to fill that void you couldn't deal with yourself.  (I didn't say they couldn't distract you.)  I mean you could always get the reliable car, pop out babies, and fit nicely into society without ever having to explore yourself again, but is that really what you were going for?  I'm not telling people to stop driving, falling in love, or wanting families but maybe before hopping into the next car...you should take a good look under your own hood.  See what's going on.

Life is too short to settle. Oftentimes it’s risky and you can never be guaranteed. Sometimes it means of getting rid of something that’s generally good and not broken. Sometimes it means losing more than anticipated and having to start from scratch. And if you’re really lucky, sometimes it means the ride of your life. It won't be easy to get there but neither is holding a box of regrets.  Shhh, no one’s looking. What do you really want?

Easy Bake Oven

My friend told me if your feelings are so strong why don’t you just go there and reach out to him. Just go for it. What is she crazy? Is she trying to use my own blog against me? When I said ‘own it’, I was merely giving great advice. She further weakened me with a quote (I have a quote thing), “Never give up on something, you can’t go a day without thinking about.” As bitchy as we can come off, we are romantics…which makes me think of that quote from Vicky Cristina Barcelona, “Only unfulfilled love can be romantic.” I don’t want to ruin what I know is there…and I don’t know if part of it is because I’m afraid of hearing what I don’t want to…because even if the words are spoken that hurt me…I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that the connection that is there is real and could not be nullified with a few words. One day even if one of us chose to turn our backs to it, the truth will still be the truth.

When I was little I wanted an Easy Bake Oven bad. I wasn’t allowed to use the oven in the kitchen, that was mommy’s. I wanted my own. My parents told me I “cried a river” for it…and eventually I got my oven. Only it wasn’t an oven – it was a box with a light bulb in it. A light bulb, seriously? What the hell am I supposed to do with that?

What if I go for it and get it? What happens if I don’t? I guess I’m saying I’m more afraid to give up hope just for a lousy light bulb. How have you bargained for denial rather than disappointment?

I Ain’t Break Nothing That’s Not Broke

You say you hate me. I can’t even be mad at you because I know that’s just fear talking. You fear your man isn’t happy and if you could just get me under control, you’d be good. You fear that if you actually held HIM responsible, you couldn’t justify staying with him. You fear the possible reality that maybe things are falling apart. Examine where your feelings are coming from. Don’t make excuses. Own it. Do you. But don’t blame the circumstances. Perhaps instead of putting so much attention on the “home wrecker”, you point that pretty little finger of yours back at the people IN the relationship. Yeah that means you too. But why would you want to do that?

I don’t desire to change your feelings or make you like me. Just some advice - continuously strive for awareness. If your man wants to be with you, nothing would keep him from that. If he doesn’t, well that sounds like a personal problem. Him leaving you has got more to do with your relationship and less to do with another person.

The idea that anyone has the power to break you lovebirds up is pretty impressive. With forces like that walking around, I can’t imagine anyone’s relationship surviving. With this kind of power though, I’d like to imagine people would be a little more creative than just taking your man. Let’s be real though. “I ain’t break nothing that’s not broke!”(this is an exclusive quote of mine, embrace it) That means you got the tense wrong when you blame someone for breaking up your happy home.



Deal with it.

Either Work Something Out And Love Him.

Or Let It Go.

The Princess vs. Me

A few months back my friend and I started working on a book project. The research included dating, not with the goal in mind of finding the one – but about finding ourselves. The first thing she made us do was sign up for a dating site. That was the #1 thing I did not want to do. ::sighs:: As much as I want to be – I don’t want to be comfortable; I want to learn something valuable and I want to share it with you. In this online experience I had a chat with someone I was certain I was not attracted to. Because I knew that Kate would never give him the time of day, I said to myself – just talk to him, he’s just a person like you – just talk. I read his profile which was not what I was looking for but he had one quote in there that blew me away. We did not see eye to eye at all and it turned out to be one of the most stimulating chats I’ve had in a long time. I’m still not interested in meeting or talking to him after this, but I am grateful for what I was able to learn about myself.

He told me I was beautiful and I told him I loved his quote. “I believe, to be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved.” Wow! Are you understanding what that says? I could write a book on the idea behind that alone. He went on to tell me how hard it is to trust people these days. Sweetheart, it’s not these days, it’s just people. Love is wonderful but it has nothing necessarily to do with trust.

To break this quote down more, I had to take the shirt off of the mannequin and try it on myself. Someone being able to trust you is a greater compliment than allowing someone to love you. Love is one thing, but letting them in deeper than that, letting them really see you is another. As far as what ___________’s lacking, he is more honest with me than her. Because of what I know about ___________, technically I can trust him more than his girlfriend can. Because he loves and chose her, I guess that doesn't make much of a dfference. So much for a compliment making you feel good, hah!

He asked me what kind of man I want to be with or what I am searching for? I told him “Well I know what I’m attracted to…if I had to choose “him” I know who it would be, but it can’t happen now if ever…but maybe it’s just because destiny hasn’t hit me yet…” I surprised (him and) myself with the clarity and complexity of my answer, as this person was a stranger.

He further explained himself to be a normal person looking for (insert positive qualities here), someone who thinks like a Princess. I told him I don’t fit into that category and that most guys go for that (the one I love included). He asked me why I thought that. I told him I felt that the Princess thing is a story. It’s really nice and beautiful and sweet. But I questioned if it was real and honest? If it was it alive? He said it was a story but it could be a real story. I said if you believe it, sure, then it’s real…to you. But isn’t there something more? Isn’t there more to people that the fairy tale they’ve been programmed to believe since they were children. He told me that he can think and make me a Princess. I said no. I am me. For you to make me into something would not be real. It would be the story you’re looking for and even if I played along, at some point, it would not sustain happiness. He said I would not be changed, that I would be the same Kate. I cut the conversation short after this as he tried to make more of a link up.

Oh man, he hit a nerve in me. This is a theory I’ve been toying with personally for years. I feel like the guys I’ve had the strongest feelings for end up loving me but when it comes down to romance, it comes down to me and the Princess…and the Princess is such a lovely story that that is who they end up wanting to live happily ever after with. I felt sad thinking about my own situation. I’m smart enough to pretend to be a Princess and stand a shot in his story, but I want him to love ME, to cherish me…not just some stupid story. I was in love with someone who had his Princess. He is too attached to his story to see he wasn’t happy happy…but they love each other and he so badly wants to believe that is enough. And if that is what he believes or wants to believe, I have to take that for what it is…he has to realize, to learn, to want more on his own…even if he does care about me and miss me as a friend & more…even if I love him.

10 Ways To Love Yourself Now

Happy Valentine’s Day! Is it just me or did that almost sound like screeching? Unfortunately, Valentine’s Day tends to invoke insecurities rather than the tv & movie style romances. This is partially due…to the tv & movie style romances. While wonderful and sometimes relatable, they’re so often obvious, unsophisticated and petty. During this “holiday”, single people feel like they’re alone and should be with someone while coupled people are wondering why the magic they should feel isn’t there or short-lived. Nonetheless, everyone’s got their game face on. Not to burst anyone’s bubble, ok to burst anyone’s bubble…many relationships aren’t working because – dun deh dah dah – they aren’t working. Everyone’s scared. Scared to be alone, scared to face the truth, scared to face themselves, scared to be uncomfortable, scared to deal with their own failures, scared to figure out what to do if they weren’t exactly where they are, scared to risk with someone they really love because they’re so sure it won’t last so they play it safe. And they’re stuck. We’re stuck. And it is scary. But isn’t it just a little scarier to let your whole life pass wondering what if? So where can we start? Make a choice. Start with you.

10 Ways To Love Yourself Now


1) Positive affirmations.
Recite them to yourself in the mirror – morning and night. (Good or bad) Habits are formed after 21 days. Start a good one today.

“Words mean more than what is set down on paper. It takes the human voice to infuse them with deeper meaning.” – Maya Angelou
“A thought, even a possibility, can shatter and transform us” - Friedrich Nietzsche
“You may never know what results come of your action, but if you do nothing there will be no result” – Mahatma Gandhi


2) Fall in love – with yourself.
List your positive qualities and/or some nice things you’ve done for others. In third person, write a letter expressing gratitude for these qualities and acts. Mail this letter to yourself. It will be a nice change of pace amongst the bills; it might even make you smile.

“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” - Buddha
“You get treated in life the way you teach people to treat you.” – Wayne Dyer
“My imperfections and failures are as much a blessing from God as my successes and my talents and I lay them both at his feet.” – Mahatma Gandhi


3) Relax your mind.
Go for a long walk. Get a massage. Do something to pamper yourself. You deserve it.

“All truly great thoughts are conceived while walking” - Friedrich Nietzsche
“Thoughts are the shadows of our feelings - always darker, emptier and simpler.” Friedrich Nietzsche
“To enjoy life, we must touch much of it lightly” – Voltaire


4) Make a date night with some friends.
Choose a restaurant you like or plan to stay in and cook up your favorite meal. Dress up, use accessories, spray perfume or cologne, drink wine, laugh, be silly and take pictures.

“Friends are God's way of apologizing to us for our families.”
“You’ll never again be as young as you are in this moment.”
“It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

5) Write out your 5 year plan.
Dig deep into your soul. Where do you want to see yourself in 5 years? What would you have to do each year, month, week, day to get there? Be specific. Write it down. Put together a vision board. You can do it.

“Be the change you want to see in the world.” Mahatma Gandhi
“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.” – Maya Angelou
“Fortune favors the bold.” - Virgil


6) Make a difference.
You have a lot to offer. Find a way to express your goodwill. Sometimes it’s as easy as being a good listener. Reach out to a friend that may be going through a rough patch, volunteer - at a nursing home, a big brother/big sister organization, or a soup kitchen. Explore the many ways you can help others.

“The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others.” Mahatma Gandhi
“Every man is guilty of all the good he didn't do” – Voltaire
“Teach this triple truth to all: A generous heart, kind speech, and a life of service and compassion are the things which renew humanity.” – Buddha


7) Forgive yourself.
Acknowledge your mistakes, take responsibility, and gently forgive yourself. Be tender, patient and loving.  Practice positive self talk.

“Those who are free of resentful thoughts surely find peace.” – Buddha
“To understand everything is to forgive everything” – Buddha
"Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars." – Kahlil Gibran


8) Practice Self Love.
(If you don’t already have one) Use a removable showerhead and get accustomed with the different settings to find out what pressures work best for you ;-) Play sensual music.  Figure out what you like to feel.  Find your pleasure.  Perfect it.

“Self-love is the instrument of our preservation.” – Voltaire
“To conquer oneself is a greater task than conquering others” – Buddha
“Anything you really want, you can attain, if you really go after it.” – Wayne Dyer


9) Enjoy your own company.
To be of value to others, first learn to be happy by yourself. Go out, go shopping, have a meal, watch a movie, check out a museum, read, explore your thoughts, work on a hobby.

“We must be our own before we can be another's.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
“The only way to have a friend is to be one.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Three things cannot be long hidden: the sun, the moon, and the truth.” – Buddha


10) Keep a Journal and Pray.
Be honest with yourself about your thoughts and feelings. There is no good or bad. Write them down. Reflect. Practice introspection. Hope.  Humble yourself.  Pray for your soul and the souls around you.

“By ignorance we mistake, and by mistakes we learn” – Proverb
“Begin to see yourself as a soul with a body rather than a body with a soul.” – Wayne Dyer
“Prayer is not asking. It is a longing of the soul. It is daily admission of one's weakness. It is better in prayer to have a heart without words than words without a heart.” – Mahatma Gandhi


What ways to love yourself can you add to the list?