Love Is Like Cars

Love is like cars.  I’m not a big car person but let’s pretend I am.  In fact, let’s pretend we all are.

Your first car is awesome. At least you think so. Why is it so special? It’s the first time you get to drive, your first taste of a new kind of independence. You are so fucking excited to be driving for the first time, you could have Fred Flinstone’s car and actually be running barefoot on the pavement beneath your seat, but it’s your first car and and it’s your experience. You will never be able to re-experience your first and that in itself makes it special. This is a strong love experience. Many of you will mistake this love for your dream car, especially if you have this hoopty for a while.  In the long run, this car usually costs much more than it's worth.  But you're inexperienced, so just try to learn as much as you can.  You may not want to believe this but you will survive.  When it does break down, try not to blame them or yourself for the rest of your life.

Then there’s that Ferrari.  Let’s pretend this is your dream car.  It’s sophisticated, fast, dangerous and expensive. But my oh my, do you feel alive! It eats gas, the insurance is expensive, and you’re likely to get into an accident. And when you do crash, you swear it off and convince yourself of something silly like you always only wanted a reliable car. You declare ridiculous things like even if you had the money you wouldn’t keep it, or you wouldn’t stay in NY, etc. Baby if you had the money, why wouldn’t you exactly? For those of you that believe they have truly succeeded on letting him/her go, you’re either better than me or you’re still driving your hoopty or even better, found a reliable one.

And at last there’s the reliable car. It’s a compact sedan…probably Honda, Toyota, or Hyundai. You know consumer reports rated this well, it does good on gas & insurance, and your friends & family all pat you on the back for a good choice. It gets you from point A to B, it has a decent resale value, it’s a smart choice. Almost everyone else has the same one, and don’t forget now…you made a great choice. And…you secretly hate it. I mean you love them, but do you really like them? You make a great team, but where is the passion? You have sex with them, but it’s not the freaky things you used to want to do. It’s not organic. I’m not hating on compact sedans…because everyone can be and have a Ferrari…but not to just anyone.

If you were the only car you would have for the rest of your life, could you be content?  Until you are grateful for what you got all by yourself, no one will be able to fill that void you couldn't deal with yourself.  (I didn't say they couldn't distract you.)  I mean you could always get the reliable car, pop out babies, and fit nicely into society without ever having to explore yourself again, but is that really what you were going for?  I'm not telling people to stop driving, falling in love, or wanting families but maybe before hopping into the next car...you should take a good look under your own hood.  See what's going on.

Life is too short to settle. Oftentimes it’s risky and you can never be guaranteed. Sometimes it means of getting rid of something that’s generally good and not broken. Sometimes it means losing more than anticipated and having to start from scratch. And if you’re really lucky, sometimes it means the ride of your life. It won't be easy to get there but neither is holding a box of regrets.  Shhh, no one’s looking. What do you really want?

random thoughts

I don’t find much pleasure in the typical spring break, obnoxious, young adult mentality. Don’t get me wrong – I love hanging out with friends. I like to relax, drink, and vacation. I just don’t get why most people are so consumed with nonsense they don't actually enjoy. My interests would probably seem like nonsense to them so I guess that's fair. I almost enjoy people that make fun of me. I'm suspicious of praise and compliments, although I like them. I'm paranoid. I can be obsessive but that fuels my artistic side too. Without passion, where would my work go? What would my love be? I feel like my passion is as much a part of me as breathing. I can't imagine life without it. I scare myself and love it simultaneously.

I find humor; I have to. It would be hard to find reasons to live without being able to find humor.  I always find it amusing when people say I’m always smiling.  I tell them I have two choices.  I find or make a reason to smile, or I kill myself.  That usually makes people squirm, and I usually enjoy people squirming, but I don’t get this one.  I can be hysterical or I could want you to leave me alone. What tends to amuse me is contrary to common amusement. I'm a little sick and perverted. I'm a little normal too. I like treasure like Gollum, exude Angelina Jolie's sexuality, believe in love like a fairy tale, funny like a screwed up stand up, want peace like Gandhi, want peace of mind like Bob Marley, and I'm loyal like your best friend. I'm unadulterated, raw, and wild. I'm beautiful and ugly and that's perfect. I want the best. I want sincerity. I want real. I don't want a second rate version. I could use a little more of a backbone. Although when I'm honest I'm told I'm brutal and mean. It confuses me. So I often choose to just be quiet. But my friends tell me I can't shut up. I'm a walking contradiction. And I hate hypocrites, haha go figure.

Recession or Renaissance?

Remember back in elementary school how uncomfortable that kid made you feel? You know the one that prolonged the lesson in class by asking why or pointing out the exceptions? That was me. I had a great childhood that wavered on the sheltered side. Then life kicked the shit out of me real good. And more than just humble me, I was scared. I knew that I could do and be great, and I feared that too. I struggled with thoughts of these safe job paths while yearning to be in harmony with who I am. I took for granted my gifts of creativity, thought, and connection. Rather than embrace them and empower myself, I threw my gifts in a box underneath my bed and labeled them crazy. I put a mask on. I belittled the headstrong person I am and allowed myself to be small. I conformed and acted as a tool in someone else’s plans.

Recession. For many it seems like the easy streets to making money have turned into dead ends. Some people are truly struggling to put food on the table and can’t think much further than that right now, some people are working what they can until they figure out something better, and some people are taking what they can get because they believe they are defeated. Frustrated ones are looking for something deeper, because if they can’t make the money anyway, doesn’t it kind of make sense to finally listen to your joy? People feel down and out and some are getting tired of feeling down and out. And yet still, there are some people that are making it as if nothing happened.

Can you see rainbows on the horizon, or does it just look like rain? Personally, it feels like I’m observing this whole big mess. Being that I followed my own path a.k.a. did my thing (not so much the college thing) while making a slew of mistakes, the money situation is no better or worse in my mind than it’s ever been. Society’s been asleep for a long time and just maybe this recession is the cold wet blanket you needed. Everyone’s been getting by on autopilot. People are finally getting uncomfortable enough to start to realize that so much of their lives have been dictated. You are starting to wake up. As people are scrambling, I am fascinated by the possibilities. I think it’s pretty cool that so many people are uncomfortable at once that it’s jolting people to think. Call me a hippy but I feel like what so many people perceive as a distress is just as much an opening for a rebirth. This energy has the potential of a Renaissance. Love this time.

Our souls don’t grow being comfortable. We grow through challenge. Being open to these challenges allows us to become closer to our authentic self.

In what ways has this recession limited you?

In what ways has this recession liberated you?

Easy Bake Oven

My friend told me if your feelings are so strong why don’t you just go there and reach out to him. Just go for it. What is she crazy? Is she trying to use my own blog against me? When I said ‘own it’, I was merely giving great advice. She further weakened me with a quote (I have a quote thing), “Never give up on something, you can’t go a day without thinking about.” As bitchy as we can come off, we are romantics…which makes me think of that quote from Vicky Cristina Barcelona, “Only unfulfilled love can be romantic.” I don’t want to ruin what I know is there…and I don’t know if part of it is because I’m afraid of hearing what I don’t want to…because even if the words are spoken that hurt me…I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that the connection that is there is real and could not be nullified with a few words. One day even if one of us chose to turn our backs to it, the truth will still be the truth.

When I was little I wanted an Easy Bake Oven bad. I wasn’t allowed to use the oven in the kitchen, that was mommy’s. I wanted my own. My parents told me I “cried a river” for it…and eventually I got my oven. Only it wasn’t an oven – it was a box with a light bulb in it. A light bulb, seriously? What the hell am I supposed to do with that?

What if I go for it and get it? What happens if I don’t? I guess I’m saying I’m more afraid to give up hope just for a lousy light bulb. How have you bargained for denial rather than disappointment?

I Ain’t Break Nothing That’s Not Broke

You say you hate me. I can’t even be mad at you because I know that’s just fear talking. You fear your man isn’t happy and if you could just get me under control, you’d be good. You fear that if you actually held HIM responsible, you couldn’t justify staying with him. You fear the possible reality that maybe things are falling apart. Examine where your feelings are coming from. Don’t make excuses. Own it. Do you. But don’t blame the circumstances. Perhaps instead of putting so much attention on the “home wrecker”, you point that pretty little finger of yours back at the people IN the relationship. Yeah that means you too. But why would you want to do that?

I don’t desire to change your feelings or make you like me. Just some advice - continuously strive for awareness. If your man wants to be with you, nothing would keep him from that. If he doesn’t, well that sounds like a personal problem. Him leaving you has got more to do with your relationship and less to do with another person.

The idea that anyone has the power to break you lovebirds up is pretty impressive. With forces like that walking around, I can’t imagine anyone’s relationship surviving. With this kind of power though, I’d like to imagine people would be a little more creative than just taking your man. Let’s be real though. “I ain’t break nothing that’s not broke!”(this is an exclusive quote of mine, embrace it) That means you got the tense wrong when you blame someone for breaking up your happy home.



Deal with it.

Either Work Something Out And Love Him.

Or Let It Go.

Get It Right, Get It Tight

About a month ago I made a choice towards one of my goals for the year. I started seeing a physical trainer, who I will eventually tell you more about. To keep my ass in line, I’m posting these pictures up to show you where I’m starting from. Hopefully this will be entertaining…at least for you. I’m going to take pictures along the way and put together a slideshow or something to show the ~transformation~.

I’m preparing for this week of a lot of emotional, physical, and financial moves. To help, I’ve also decided to do all of my laundry today. I’m hating my trainer right now as the squats from yesterday are really kicking my ass going down the stairs. Each step requires me to make a weird face and brace myself, ouch. Nonetheless, it kind of feels good knowing that I have clean clothes, bedding, and a great ass ;-)

The Princess vs. Me

A few months back my friend and I started working on a book project. The research included dating, not with the goal in mind of finding the one – but about finding ourselves. The first thing she made us do was sign up for a dating site. That was the #1 thing I did not want to do. ::sighs:: As much as I want to be – I don’t want to be comfortable; I want to learn something valuable and I want to share it with you. In this online experience I had a chat with someone I was certain I was not attracted to. Because I knew that Kate would never give him the time of day, I said to myself – just talk to him, he’s just a person like you – just talk. I read his profile which was not what I was looking for but he had one quote in there that blew me away. We did not see eye to eye at all and it turned out to be one of the most stimulating chats I’ve had in a long time. I’m still not interested in meeting or talking to him after this, but I am grateful for what I was able to learn about myself.

He told me I was beautiful and I told him I loved his quote. “I believe, to be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved.” Wow! Are you understanding what that says? I could write a book on the idea behind that alone. He went on to tell me how hard it is to trust people these days. Sweetheart, it’s not these days, it’s just people. Love is wonderful but it has nothing necessarily to do with trust.

To break this quote down more, I had to take the shirt off of the mannequin and try it on myself. Someone being able to trust you is a greater compliment than allowing someone to love you. Love is one thing, but letting them in deeper than that, letting them really see you is another. As far as what ___________’s lacking, he is more honest with me than her. Because of what I know about ___________, technically I can trust him more than his girlfriend can. Because he loves and chose her, I guess that doesn't make much of a dfference. So much for a compliment making you feel good, hah!

He asked me what kind of man I want to be with or what I am searching for? I told him “Well I know what I’m attracted to…if I had to choose “him” I know who it would be, but it can’t happen now if ever…but maybe it’s just because destiny hasn’t hit me yet…” I surprised (him and) myself with the clarity and complexity of my answer, as this person was a stranger.

He further explained himself to be a normal person looking for (insert positive qualities here), someone who thinks like a Princess. I told him I don’t fit into that category and that most guys go for that (the one I love included). He asked me why I thought that. I told him I felt that the Princess thing is a story. It’s really nice and beautiful and sweet. But I questioned if it was real and honest? If it was it alive? He said it was a story but it could be a real story. I said if you believe it, sure, then it’s real…to you. But isn’t there something more? Isn’t there more to people that the fairy tale they’ve been programmed to believe since they were children. He told me that he can think and make me a Princess. I said no. I am me. For you to make me into something would not be real. It would be the story you’re looking for and even if I played along, at some point, it would not sustain happiness. He said I would not be changed, that I would be the same Kate. I cut the conversation short after this as he tried to make more of a link up.

Oh man, he hit a nerve in me. This is a theory I’ve been toying with personally for years. I feel like the guys I’ve had the strongest feelings for end up loving me but when it comes down to romance, it comes down to me and the Princess…and the Princess is such a lovely story that that is who they end up wanting to live happily ever after with. I felt sad thinking about my own situation. I’m smart enough to pretend to be a Princess and stand a shot in his story, but I want him to love ME, to cherish me…not just some stupid story. I was in love with someone who had his Princess. He is too attached to his story to see he wasn’t happy happy…but they love each other and he so badly wants to believe that is enough. And if that is what he believes or wants to believe, I have to take that for what it is…he has to realize, to learn, to want more on his own…even if he does care about me and miss me as a friend & more…even if I love him.